JACKASS!!

A customer of mine sent me this story...maybe true, may not be true, but its hilarious. I've now taken to calling my boss on our other lines and using this on him. It really lightens the mood here at the shop...

"Now get this, I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered I needed to make a phone call. I found the number and dialed it...A man answered politely saying 'hello', I politely said,'This is Patrick Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?' Suddenly the phone slammed down on me! I could not believe anyone could be so rude! I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her(she transposed the last 2 digits). After I hung up with Robin, I noticed the wrong number still on my desk so I decided to call it again

When the same person once more answered the phone I yelled,'YOU'RE A JACKASS!!' and hung up the phone. Next to his phone number I wrote the name 'JACKASS' and put it in my desk. Every couple of months when I was paying bills or was having a really bad day I would call him up, he'd answer and I would yell 'YOU'RE A JACKASS!' I would always cheer me up..

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID(kind of old, but still funny, read on), this was a real disappointment to me. I would now have to stop calling the 'JACKASS'. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number then heard his voice, 'Hello, I'm (made up name) from the sales office of the telephone company. I was wondering if you're familiar with our caller ID program?'

He said no, and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,'That's because YOU'RE A JACKASS!!'

The reason I tell you this story is to let you know that if anything is ever bothering you, just dial xxx-4863(number removed to protect the JACKASS). [Keep reading, it gets better yet]

This old lady at the mall took her time pulling out of the only parking spot at the place. I didn't think she was going to ever leave. Finally her car slowly began to move and she very slowly backed out of the spot. I backed up more to give her plenty of room to get out. Suddenly this black Camaro came flying out of nowhere, up the aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,'You just can't do that buddy! I was here first!!' The guy climbed out of his car and completely ignored me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy is a JACKASS! and there are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a 4-sale sign in the window. So, I wrote down the number!!

A couple days later, I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling xxx-4863 and yelling,'YOU'RE A JACKASS!!'(its really easy to call now that I have his number on speed dial). I then noticed the number of the guy with the black Camaro and thought, I had better call this guy too.

After a few rings a guy answered an I said, 'Is this the guy with the Camaro for sale?'
'Yes it is'
'Can you tell me where I can see it?' I said.
'Yes, I live at 1802 W. 34th street, its a yellow house and the car is parked right out front'
'What's your name?'
'My name is Don Hansen,' he said.
'When is a good time to catch you Don?'
'I'm always home in the evenings'
'Listen Don,' I said, 'can I tell you something?'
'Yes,' he said.
'Don, YOU'RE A JACKASS!!!' and I slammed the phone down.

For a while things seemed to get much better for me, when I was having a bad day, I now had 2 JACKASSES to call!! After several months of just calling them up and yelling,'YOU'RE A JACKASS!!' I got bored. SO.....I came up with a solution...

I called Jackass No. 1 and a man nicely answered the phone saying,'Hello?', I yelled, 'YOU'RE A JACKASS!!' but did not hang up. The Jackass then said, 'Are you still there?' I said,'Yeah'
'Stop calling me!!!'
I said,'No f-ing way!!'
He said,'Whats your name!'
'Don Hansen', I replied.
'Where do you live Don?!?!' he asked.
'I live at 1802 w. 34th St., its a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front.'
'I'm coming over there right now! You had better start saying your prayers Don, cuz I'm gonna kick your ass!!' he said.
'Yeah, like I'm really scared you JACKASS!!' and hung up the phone.

Then I called JACKASS No. 2
'Hello,' he said.
'Hello JACKASS,' I said.
'If I ever find out who you are,' he said. 'You'll what?!' I said.
'I'll kick your ass!!'
'Well,' I said,'here's your chance cuz I'm coming over right now JACKASS!!'

Then I picked up the phone and called the plice, I told them that I heard threats that a guy was going to kill hes gay lover that was cheating on him when he got home. The address is 1802 W. 34th St., then made another quick call to channel 13 news about the gang war that was going on at the same address, then I headed to 182 w 34th St. to watch. GLORIOUS!!!! Watching 2 JACKASSES kicking each other's ass was ne of the greatest experiences of my life.."

Now, don't you want to call someone and yell JACKASS!!!!!!

Spidey 3

Big fan of the Spiderman.. Heres the Spiderman 3 Movie Poster.Sweeeet!

Still going....

Well, tomorrow it will be 3 weeks...with the rest of my life ahead of me. I haven't had a smoke for 3 WEEKS!!! Although I was tempted this weekend while coaching my club team. Man can those girls give you a friggin' heart attack!!

They like to start every game down by, oh lets say 4-8 points before they start playing. Lets not forget, if they get up by 7 or 8, they feel the need to allow the opposing team to get back into the game with a couple of bad passes, tentative hits, missed serves, etc... I think they are afraid to win. Silly as it sounds, they are downright afraid to win a game outright.

At practice last night, after a passing drill, I asked them what the difference was between the drill and a game. "In the game we can lose!". In practice, I can make you run...until I'm tired. I don't get tired of watching!(I wouldn't do that, but you get my drift.) Then came a discussion between myself and another coach: What makes passing the first ball of a game any different than the last? Its the same ball, moves the same way, bounces the same, same people playing it. Whats the difference? I think it comes down to their mentallity, and being afraid to win. Like I have tried to tell them all year:

IF YOU ARE AFRAID TO FAIL, YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED!!

Turn out the lights....smokings over!!

I know I know...a little premature? No I honestly don't think so. You know what I'm talking about...smoking. Its been over a week now since my last cigarette(I'll call them by their real name now, they don't scare me anymore!).

I can honestly say I have no desire to smoke. I feel so much better, I don't smell anymore-as a side note, I can now tell which of my customers do smoke, and I'm suprised by some of them, but I digress-I sleep better too! I did use the patch, notice the past tense did, until last Wednesday. I got up that morning and went to the gym like normal. When I got out of the shower, and went to put on the patch....no patch in the gym bag. "Oh well", I thought and went about my day. My wife called about 9 am and asked me how I was doing and I said fine...and by the way I forgot my patch this morning, she freaked. You would have thought she was the one trying to quit! "Do you want me to bring it to you!! Are you going to be ok?!?!?!"

"I'm fine dear, its 9 o'clock and this is actually the first time I've thought of it."(is it just coincidence she was the one I was talking to while thinking about it? is she the cause of my smoking in the first place? no she's not, I'm just trying to make a funny!) Thats when I knew it was over, I suppose. When I didn't need the day laborers anymore, I fired their asses!! Man did that feel good!!!

I still think about cigarettes every once in a while, but I casually divert my attention elsewhere without a problem and trod on. I think this will be somewhat like alcoholics...once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. Terrible comparison, but I want you to understand what I'm talking about. I'll always think about smoking, but I won't do it again. I feel too good right now!! Will I fall off the non-smoking wagon? Probably, I am human you know. As long as I can hop back on the wagon with no effort that will be fine. The real trick however is.....once I'm on the wagon(like I am now), I better not fall off at all!!!

To those of my friends and family who might read this blog I thank you for your continued support, and not laughing at me when I told you I was going to quit, well, except for one friend who called me a quitter. I'm pretty sure he was joking. Thanks for asking about it, and encouraging me(even though some of the encouragement was through violence) to keep at it at all times. I couldn't have done this without my wife's support either. She left me alone, never talked about it unless I started the conversation, and that was awsome..I love her sooo much.

Well, I'm tired of typing.. think I'll go have a cigarrette...Just kidding!! I now chew starburst candies like nothing..I'd buy some of their stock, but I would spend more on the candies than the stock would be worth...losing propostition.

L8r

Sex-up your Name

Sex up your name for VD..eerrrrr..Valentines Day!!

Never thought...

Sorry there weren't any pics of me from the "wig part", I was the one with the camera after all!!

I picked a horrible time to quit smoking. But I made the decision and I'm sticking with it. My father was admitted to the hospital this weekend with a bad case of the flu(my parents are both fairly heavy smokers). A pulmanary(sp?) specialist came to see him because he had a low oxygen level. When my Mother called to tell me on Saturday, the first thing I wanted to do was run out and buy some monsters!

Then I heard my mom say something I've never heard her say before,"I'm going to quit smoking, and so is your father". That quashed any thought I had about going to get a pack of smokes. I told her about me quitting, and the last time I had a monster, and some of the things Bear and I had talked about. I hope it helped her.

I then called my dad, he sounded pretty rough. I told him all the same things I told my mom, and he seemed a little more receptive. Except when he said,"It's too late for me to quit". I called bullshit!! It's never too late to quit, it's always too soon to start. Now I'm sounding like a fanatic.

I only purchased one pack last week. The last monster I had was at 4:30pm Friday February 3rd. THREE FRIGGIN' DAYS AGO!!!! Yeah, I'm stoked!!!!!

I've found that chewing on Starburst candies has helped, that and the patch I wear(but really, how much of that is mental). Antoher thing that didn't help much was the way my girls played this weekend, I coach junior's volleyball. They like to start EVERY game down by at least 4-6 points!!!
But I made it through that, and it should get easier. One thing....did you know you could drive a Toyota Tacoma without a monster? I didn't know that until this last weekend. They start and everything, even without lighting up a monster!! COOL!!!

Bear didn't keep me too long today, just enough to tell me I was on the right track and to keep diverting my attention, which is pretty easy for me to do!

One thing I did notice. When I woke up on Sunday morning, as I lay in bed getting ready to get up, I took a very deep breath. No big deal you say? I think it was.....I didn't cough!

NO monsters now for 3 days!!!!